I keep scribbling things I want to say in the back of my work notebook — and now there are enough to put together a “hot dog sausage” of an entry :)

I had this dream a few weeks back that I couldn’t shake for a couple of days. I was revisiting my high school jazz ensemble, a close-knit group of people into which I didn’t quite fit. (Well, that’s a bit harsh, I guess I fit with them more than anyone else back then, but I was definitely a loner.) Somehow, I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I’ve done wrong over the past 10 years, the choices I’ve made, and confessed that I was a failure. Then Matt Lewis, trumpeter and brother of my fellow piano player Ben Lewis and 1999-2000 Kennedy Center Jazz Ambassadors, told me it was all right and that no matter what I did, if I was happy, I’d be ok. I burst into violent, refreshing tears, tears so strong that they woke me up. I cuddled my gf closer and nuzzled softly, thoroughly confusing her in the process.

I searched the web for Ben and Matt’s recent work, and I continue to be humbled by my classmates’ successes. I have this tendency to expect way too much from myself, and I know it’s because way too much was expected of me as a kid. I’ve internalized it, and cause myself to get very depressed when I don’t live up to what I expect, no matter how unreasonable it is. What a struggle it’s been to get rid of that baggage (and yes, I wholly blame my parents for giving it to me). Each time I feel like it’s gone, it resurfaces — looking at my gf’s beauty and feeling unsure of my own looks has been my latest trick. Yet it’s not jealousy: I don’t want her looks, I don’t want their jazz talents, I want my own abilities and capabilities to be respected and loved. It doesn’t help when I can’t kick my ass into action on some things (when was the last time my dimply thighs saw a gym?!?!!) but I’m trying my hardest to shore up my self-esteem.

Some random bits before I’m swept off to lunch:

• What does it say about me that I no longer have any sort of UNIX or PC machine at home, just my Mac, which I barely use for more than a few web page accesses?
• Why must I take all my important revelations of what’s wrong with me as a person and just “shovel them underground?”
• And why must I replay my personal mistakes over and over in my head, torturing myself infinitely for a nasty thing I said to my jazz band leader in 1989 (for instance)?
• Why do I, a headstrong and upstanding person, sometimes just let myself be controlled by silly things I could fix with a few strokes of a pen or a simple phone call?

Yeowtch.

(I don’t think I can do justice to the vacation my gf and I just took in a single posting, so I’m breaking it up into sections.)

After the kick-ass holiday cocktail party we had (did you see any of the pictures?) I wasn’t sure we’d top it with the vacation, but we did. Because I was silly and didn’t feel like calling up American Airlines on the phone, I ordered our upgrade certificates by regular mail – only to have them arrive after we left. :( But they were running a promotion, and with the remaining miles I had, I managed to upgrade the two of us to business class anyway! So we spent 9 hours from Tokyo Narita to San Jose in luxury, getting drunk and attempting to sleep on each other. What a trip for her — her first business class flight. I spoil her so much. :)

San Jose was . . . surreal, mostly because we were both sleep-deprived. My friend Joe, on furlough from his U.S. Army Reserve duties, picked us up, drove us to Palo Alto to collect his wife (what a hottie Rowena is!) and the four of us did an American-sized lunch. I keep forgetting how much food you’re served in the States, and I over-ordered and over-ate. I had to unbuckle my pants just to get back into the car! We drove around boring San Jose for a couple of hours, then headed back to the airport to work our way to Phoenix.

John (my GF’s best friend) took us to our hotel room, and bleary-eyed we staggered to Albertson’s for some Cup Noodle (?!?!!!), some cranberry juice, and some strawberries. CRASH!

Next day John had to work, so Mercy and I explored old downtown Scottsdale together, heading straight for the Fashion Mall, where we went overboard buying all the rest of her (and my!) holiday presents. If only I could have justified buying those $300 boots . . . they were so supple, and fit so well (FINALLY!) We snagged some great plush robes, Pier 1 candles (courtesy of John’s corporate discount), tops and bottoms, and cramps to boot (damn American food!) At least P.F. Chang’s was a welcome break, though still entirely too much food. But that terrible bar he took us to in Tempe — ACK! His friends were nice and all, and (to be fair) he didn’t like it either . . . all I can say is “white hip-hop.” Just say no. But the lesbian bar we headed to later, “Ain’t Nobody’s Biz” was much much better, the sort of place I wish existed in Tokyo. Hrm . . . no, focus on your current career.

Next time, plane checkout and the Vegas round trip! It’s great to be back!

Alyssa from Chasing Amy. Duh.

You’re a very open and adventurous person, you’ve been around the block and back several times. Yet, as all people do, you realize that this life style cannot go on forever and need to settle down. Hopefully as more time progresses you’ll stick to one gender and not be so greedy! Take The “Which Kevin Smith Female Are You?” Quiz!!

Sweet — the National Weather Service (USA) predicts above normal temperatures and below normal precipitation for all of Arizona and Nevada. They give their 6-10 prediction an unusually high confidence rating: 5 on a scale of 1-5. Looks like I got lucky . . . the perfect weather for our trip! =)

Time for joy and cheer…check out our Holiday Party pics and see how happy everyone was!

My girlfriend got me this gorgeous amethyst, diamond and platinum necklace . . . I am floored, it’s so incredibly beautiful. I’ve never gotten such an incredible piece of jewelry before as a present except when my grandmother died, and that doesn’t count. I just hope she liked the bedside water pitcher I got her too. If not, at least the big trip to the U.S., the New Year’s bash in Vegas, and the clothing shopping trip will help too. I also gave her some hardly-worn clothing I can’t fit into anymore as well, to which she’s already taken a great liking. The leather mini-skirt looks far better on her than it ever did on me. (She’ll get the other leather items over my dead body. :P)

One cup of cocoa, Grand Marnier and Amaretto later, I’m full of warm toasty Christmas cheer. I just can’t believe I have to work today!

At least there are three things that make it wonderful: (1) I’m taking my GF out for an incredible dinner tonight, replete with caviar and all the finishing touches. She’ll light up like a Christmas tree! (2) Work is bound to be slow, since most people are gone and I’ve finished all my deliverables for the year. (3) Christmas in Japan is known as a holiday for lovers, not for religious reverence (for obvious reasons.) At first I was a bit shocked that it wasn’t a family holiday, but the more I think about it, the more it feels like a more “true” modern Christmas spirit. At least everyone is in love, happy, and spreading the right cheer (and presents!) I keep finding reasons to be happy living here.

GF just said purple looks good on me, and she’s right. I’m off to prove to her how purple I can look in the dark in bed. =) Have a great holiday!

<sdk-c> i just got a new 2 1/2 foot water bong
<sdk-c> named bin laden

Ugly. Just ugly.

The scary bit is that, even living away from the US for a year, I still know most of these advertisements!

Measure your life in love.

And yes, it’s been a year since I’ve seen this last. Just getting ready for “my last year on earth,” and I don’t mean I’m dying or committing suicide. =)

OK, I’m not trying to point any fingers or anything but…

At work, our design team made these New Year’s postcards we’re supposed to send out to all our clients. But there seem to be two fundamental mistakes with them:

1. The things make no sense. They’ve got a hole cut in the center, with text on the side saying something like: “Look through the hole with your left eye. Then close it and switch to your right eye. Have a fresh new perspective on life.” HUH? And the copy was written by a native English speaker too!
2. Because there’s a hole in the middle, the cards don’t qualify for the postcard rate, requiring an extra 71 yen of postage (about USD$0.55).

Brilliant. Not only are we not making a whole lot of sense to our external clients, our internal ones (e.g. finance) aren’t that happy either. I’d be embarassed sending this thing to any of my clients! Instead I wrote up my own, put them in an envelope with my new meishi (business card), and was done with it.

So we watched Shrek last night (thanks chibi!) and rocked the house. Literally. The subwoofer was so loud I’m surprised the neighbors tolerated it! We also rocked the house with our laughter . . . what an incredibly hilarious film. And to think, almost no one in this country has seen it yet, especially on a screen that size =)

The projector really made Notting Hill come to life last week, so vividly that I couldn’t help but get choked up. It’s a surprisingly witty (yay, British humor!) and thoughtful film, uplifting for myself and the gf. I don’t think I’ve snuggled that closely after a film in my life. Yummy warm fuzzysnuggles! (The bathroom’s on the right if you need to puke now.)

On the train this morning: A guy wearing a brown backpack that has “Fresh” written on its outside pocket in big white letters, over a background of the word “nymphomaniac” tiled in orange. WTF?

Joan’s Rule of Order #1: Never fry while naked.