Some thoughts before I go on…

I keep scribbling things I want to say in the back of my work notebook — and now there are enough to put together a “hot dog sausage” of an entry :)

I had this dream a few weeks back that I couldn’t shake for a couple of days. I was revisiting my high school jazz ensemble, a close-knit group of people into which I didn’t quite fit. (Well, that’s a bit harsh, I guess I fit with them more than anyone else back then, but I was definitely a loner.) Somehow, I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I’ve done wrong over the past 10 years, the choices I’ve made, and confessed that I was a failure. Then Matt Lewis, trumpeter and brother of my fellow piano player Ben Lewis and 1999-2000 Kennedy Center Jazz Ambassadors, told me it was all right and that no matter what I did, if I was happy, I’d be ok. I burst into violent, refreshing tears, tears so strong that they woke me up. I cuddled my gf closer and nuzzled softly, thoroughly confusing her in the process.

I searched the web for Ben and Matt’s recent work, and I continue to be humbled by my classmates’ successes. I have this tendency to expect way too much from myself, and I know it’s because way too much was expected of me as a kid. I’ve internalized it, and cause myself to get very depressed when I don’t live up to what I expect, no matter how unreasonable it is. What a struggle it’s been to get rid of that baggage (and yes, I wholly blame my parents for giving it to me). Each time I feel like it’s gone, it resurfaces — looking at my gf’s beauty and feeling unsure of my own looks has been my latest trick. Yet it’s not jealousy: I don’t want her looks, I don’t want their jazz talents, I want my own abilities and capabilities to be respected and loved. It doesn’t help when I can’t kick my ass into action on some things (when was the last time my dimply thighs saw a gym?!?!!) but I’m trying my hardest to shore up my self-esteem.

Some random bits before I’m swept off to lunch:

  • What does it say about me that I no longer have any sort of UNIX or PC machine at home, just my Mac, which I barely use for more than a few web page accesses?
  • Why must I take all my important revelations of what’s wrong with me as a person and just “shovel them underground?”
  • And why must I replay my personal mistakes over and over in my head, torturing myself infinitely for a nasty thing I said to my jazz band leader in 1989 (for instance)?
  • Why do I, a headstrong and upstanding person, sometimes just let myself be controlled by silly things I could fix with a few strokes of a pen or a simple phone call?


8 thoughts on “Some thoughts before I go on…

  1. Next entry: All the important revelations of what’s wrong with you as a person.

  2. I know it can be frustrating trying to live up to high expectations, but I prefer it when people have high expectations than low ones. I often wonder if I would ever get anything done if it weren’t for my will to live up to expectations. It’s very frustrating when people pre-judge you as being incompetant.

  3. Parents can have that way of making a person wanna shift responsibility on to them, but that surrenders control over your own life and decision-making, doesn’t it? Though yeah… even taking responsibility, trying to shrug off childhood baggage is a pain. Gotta set yer own goals, strive for them, and live up to your own expectations before trying the same with anyone else. After all.. what’s the point in having what everyone else wants (as fun as that can be) if it don’t make you happy first?

  4. Hi,

    It’s me tom, you know the actor guy friend of yours still wallowing away my life at theatre 3.

    If I haven’t told you yet…. I’m getting married in July…. yeay…….

    I think i told you about her already… Email had something to do with sushi….

    Hope to hear from you…

    Miss you much and hope all is well with you and Mercy.

  5. What’s even harder is that half of my brain says “You’re being a wimp, just shut up and deal. Fix your own problems, no one else will do it ofr you.” The other half says “This pain is important, it says something about me, and it’s not easy to deal with. Humans aren’t machines who can turn off their emotions at will, and I am proud of the fact that I’m not a machine, not Mr. Spock.” Compromise between the two viewpoints still eludes me.

  6. I’ve got some things no one else wants which thrill me beyond belief, and shitload of stuff other people have too about which I could give a rat’s ass. What does that say? :)

  7. It’s darn good to know that I am not the ONLY one that has a hard time getting in touch with you.. :P

    Cathy Renee Mourning Dove Parton

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