Why I’m a vegetarian

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So on Saturday night in Boston, I went to the infamous Mary Chung’s on Mass. Ave. in Cambridge’s Central Square. It’s more of a tradition than because of the food quality (though I used to love the velvet chicken and the pan-fried raviolis). But there is one dish there that I like so much that I decided I’d drop my vegetarian mantle for it — after not having eaten real meat in almost 18 months, and even then only sporadically.

It’s Mary Chung’s Famous “Swan La Shau Chow.” 4 pork wontons covered in the spiciest of soy sauce-based broths, poured over a bed of sprouts to help you eat every last bit of that delicious sauce. It’s more filling than you realize, and it’s an absolute delight from the instant your throat starts to burn with firey goodness. But that wonderful feeling was soon to be replaced with the most intense of pain.

The reason I became a vegetarian isn’t because I am religiously or ethically opposed to eating meat. It’s not even because I don’t like the taste. It’s because I literally don’t seem to be able to digest it correctly anymore. I grew up on steak, pork chops, pot roasts, baked chicken and the like, but now, even a small quantity of meat binds my intestine up tighter than a Roman Catholic’s arsehole. Everything starts to back up. The last time I checked it, pork and chicken would back me up for about 2-3 days, while red meat would insert a proverbial cork in my bottom for a full week.

So this time, I gingerly ate 3 1/2 of the 4 pork dumplings in the Swan, enjoyed the feeling in my tummy, and…waited. And things started backing up, as expected. I became the Roach Motel of humans: four large meals checked in, but none checked out. I gained 3 – 4 kilos or so. And got into a lot of discomfort.

This morning, I awoke to some severe, sharp pain in my … anus. (sorry this isn’t going to be pretty!) With some, ahem, great difficulty, I finally managed to poop out what only could have been the remains of 3 1/2 pork dumplings. And it was excruciatingly difficult, as if I was giving birth.

I think I learned my lesson. No more meat. I just can’t handle it. Not even for Mary Chung’s.

7 thoughts on “Why I’m a vegetarian”

  1. It’s a seldom-spoken, but I think relatively common, vegetarian belief that meat-eaters are angry all the time because of the infrequent and unpleasant pooping. It operates on such a low level that I don’t think most people notice it until they make a diet transition, and realize they’re having much happier (or sadder) times in the washroom.

  3. No meat… I’d kill my self… Nothing better than a nice , big, juicy, smelly piece of pork… Fajitas, “carne asada”… hm…. meeeaaattt…

    Sorry, I’m evil.

  4. Hey, I’d eat it if I could digest it. As it is I think I’ll be safer sticking with veggies. :)

  6. sorry that had to happen to you like that.

    [rambling]
    i have been a vegi for um, 8 years. and just recently i have been questioning why. i became one because of my ex. she caught me at a week moment when i got food poisoning from chinese. i was tired of eatting meat and she got me. last week, i went over to a grrls house for a date and she made me dinner. marinated beef and rice. i ate it and waited like you did to see what happened. and nothing. it scared me. i didnt like it as much as i thought. but i know that i can eat it if i want it. i just dont like it anymore. [/rambling]

  7. My cousin has perhaps the more unusual problem of not being able to digest veggies/greens. Even when blended into mulch, mixed in with his normal food such that it can’t be smelled or tasted, and he can’t tell that it is there, he will vomit it up.

    Maybe if you and him had kids, they would be able to eat meat and veggies! Or maybe they wouldn’t be able to eat either.. whotta horrid existence that would be.. O_O

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