I need help from you guys, my friends. For the first time in a long time, I’m gonna bare my soul honestly on this blog, because I can’t think of any other place to let this out constructively. Comment if you can, I need advice. I don’t know what to do.
The two biggest pressures in my life right now are work and school. Work is a never-ending stream of stuff to do. Not a day goes by that I can’t open my work email spool & task list, and find a mountain of tasks that have fallen to me. I think I do a good job with them, but I can’t ever be sure — the field in which I work doesn’t generally include many “warm fuzzies” from management, and even when I get them, I can’t trust that they are praise for the sake of praise, not without ulterior motive. I also don’t necessarily feel like I fit in, socially. Though I am not orthogonal to the social standards, I don’t feel a kinship with them. (More on this below.)
School is like being judged every day. I am fascinated by the topics I’m researching (like I said on my application form, I’ll research them whether I get credit or not) but I still have not been fully accepted into my program of choice. There are also interesting opportunities that arise, that I want to pursue actively. Some are semi-mandatory, which often detracts from their attractiveness. Regardless, often I’m exhausted from work, or too depressed to approach them with the right mindset. Taking any of those on with that sort of attitude is worse than letting them pass me by.
Besides work and school, I try to bring meaning to my life, through various hobbies and interests (music, home renovation/restoration, reading, nooks-and-crannies of forgotten media), but I’m kinda operating in isolation. Every attempt that I can rememeber to join a group with similar interests to mine has lead into that whole clique situation again. I’m at the point in my life where I simply don’t want to deal with that kind of nonsense anymore…so I have gradually stopped trying to interact with the world. You can see it in the frequency of my blog postings.
It also didn’t help that I spent the bulk of my holidays in pain, not enjoying myself, unable to relax, and unable to “catch up” on either work or school. Now, I am just unable to relax, and as the pressure mounts, I’m unable to get enough work done, either (though I always do “enough work,” I’m rapidly approaching the point where that’s all I’ll be able to manage.)
The problem seems to be that I’m stuck in a logical enigma, where both action and inaction are unacceptable. On the one hand, I don’t believe I have any right to claim that my view of the world is better (or more interesting) than anyone else’s – so trying to change the world in any specific direction of which I can conceive is inappropriate and dishonest. On the other, fading to obscurity where I find myself now, at the end of the earth and the Internet, with dwindling resources and friends…well, it feels like an awful waste of life, and it feels like a disappointment to my friends & family.
So what to do to give my life meaning? I’m not raising my own children (for various reasons I’ve previously discussed), I’m not running my own company, writing a book or publishing an album. I torture myself over what I haven’t done, and refuse to acknowledge that what I have done is any good. (If you think my writing ever sounds like I’m proud of my accomplishments – I’m not. See above. I don’t honestly believe my insights or actions are any better than anyone else’s.)
I even find my own observations lack substance and drive. I feel outside of everything and everyone. Even when I’ve been offered entrance into various “clubs” and social groups, I’ve resisted – why subscribe to that sort of elitism? How am I any better than anyone else?
Finally, the few relationships I keep going throughout it all suffer. Those who have managed to remain close to me understand my cycles, and tolerate them, but I don’t think any of them would say that they’ve been “close” to me in recent memory.
How do I crawl out of this pit? How can I logically convince myself to act differently? What am I missing? Why is this so hard?
And, in the end, does any of this matter?